


Unhinged

by AngelOfDeath10



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drama, Eventual Romance, F/M, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 11:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21098432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelOfDeath10/pseuds/AngelOfDeath10
Summary: Sakura catches Gaara's eye one day while she visits a friend in the loony bin, as with anything Gaara there is always fallout.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Not one bit. Just playing in a personality sandbox.
> 
> Originally written in 2010-2013. No real plot, lots of meandering.

It was usually the smell that got to her, after these past years, and Sakura lingered outside of the doors to savor the early spring aroma of dirt and growth before stepping out of the rain and into the facility. It was the third Sunday of the month, and she had to remind herself it had only been two weeks since her last visit. Even if the time between visits never changed, somehow it had started to feel like they were coming faster upon one another. Naruto was the only one besides her who even bothered to show up anymore, but it was impossible to keep him on a schedule so she had taken to coming alone.

The guard at the front desk greeted her, recognition mixed with pity in his glance giving her every reason not to start up even a polite conversation with him. What did he know, anyway? She had been coming here since before he was hired and she probably would still be coming here long after he had moved on. There was no real impetus to make friends here, a mental institution was not a place well adjusted people went to socialize.

Shizune, one of the few nurses that Sakura actually did talk with now and then was the one to show her back to the open area where a few of the patients were milling about or playing cards. Some were watching TV, others were watching the windows, and still others were watching the wall. If some of them recognized her, they gave no sign, and Sakura quickly found the person she was looking for by himself in a corner. She forced a smile on her face, knowing that he knew it was forced but never allowing it to falter anyway.

"Hello Sasuke!" She said brightly. "I brought you a book that Naruto said he thought you'd like. I tried to read it but it's all about death and honor and all that and I just couldn't get through much of it. Anyway, here." He had his headphones on today, but that didn't necessarily mean he was listening to music. Sometimes he did it so people would simply not approach him.

"I had a pretty rough week in school, but it's looking like I'll pass organic chemistry which is more than I can say for a lot of people in my class. The teacher says that I'm doing plenty well enough to have a strong application to med school, and I need to start putting together the materials for that soon." Some days she would talk and he would listen and respond, but mostly he just listened these days. Naruto said that when he came to visit all they did was play basketball, or cards or something. At least with things like that you could pretend like it was a normal interaction, but when all you did was present monologues the lack of response didn't allow any kind of rosy illusions.

As she slid the book across the table to Sasuke he actually took and it flipped the pages before meeting her eyes and nodding at her. "If it isn't better than the last one, tell the idiot to just send me some crossword puzzles or something."

It was almost a normal response. Sakura's heart sped up even as she forced a cap on her excitement. If Sasuke knew how pleased she was that he had spoken he'd probably stop talking. She had noted long ago how he took delight in her frustration. Despite not wanting to encourage it, she knew that even getting him to speak to her directly had taken a couple years of tandem visits with Naruto.

"Like I said, I wasn't thrilled, but you might think differently."

"I know I think differently. But it still might be crap."

"Naruto seemed to think it was moving. He said to at least read to 'the part with the horse' and then told me you'd know when you got there." Sakura knew the exact moment Sasuke turned off and tuned her out. His teeth were clenching and unclenching and his eyelid had a distinctive twitch. She called moments like this being "faded out" and they always signaled the times he was lost in his own delusions. It was counted as progress that he had gotten less and less violent over the years, and since he spent more time in reality he had a better chance of successfully navigating therapy. Sasuke was like her brother, no matter how bad he got she wasn't going to give up on him.

"Come here often?"

Sakura started and turned to face the feline smile of a redheaded man with eyes nearly as striking green as her own. At first she was on her guard, but as soon as she saw the doctor's coat she felt at ease again.

"You must be new here. I'm Sakura and I do, in fact, come here often." She extended her hand and the man hesitated for a long while before he took it in a grip that was surprisingly strong for his wiry stature.

"What's the connection?" He asked, paying such intense attention to her that she found herself shifting in her seat.

Thinking that he had a terrible bedside manner if he interrogated guests like this, Sakura knitted her brows and tried to put some distance between them as she picked up her bag and fished out a candybar she intended to share with Sasuke when he tuned back into reality.

"Childhood friend, but he was more like family really."

"Admirable loyalty." The man said it as if he didn't quite believe it and the sneer in his voice took Sakura from defensive to annoyed.

"Well, sometimes people who touch your life can't and shouldn't be forgotten, even when things are hard." It was tempting to raise her voice, but that would just agitate the other patients in this minimum-security area. "I don't think I like your tone, Dr…"

"Gaara." Her frustration seemed to amuse him, which made her even more frustrated. Unlike when Sasuke pulled this same childish manipulation she couldn't seem to get centered again.

"Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone while I visit with my friend." Her teeth clenched around the forced politeness.

With measured steps Gaara walked over to Sasuke and snapped his fingers in front of his face a couple times. "Yes," he finally said as Sakura fumed and considered calling a nurse. "I can see you have a lot to catch up on."

Before she could get the angry retort out a frantic man burst into the wing, and as soon as Gaara spotted him some cross between rage and anticipation lit his face. Made mute by spectacle, Sakura saw the man point in Gaara's direction and begin to advance without breaking eye contact with the man. A nurse entered the scene shortly after while the nurse on duty came out of her station to calm down some of the patients who looked upset by the interruption and sudden noise.

"Gaara…" the man advanced slowly with his hands palms up on either side of him. "If you'll just come back with me I promise you there will be no punishment for this infraction."

Sakura felt a chill pass through her as she suddenly was confronted with the very real possibility that this man was not a doctor.

"I didn't break anything this time if that's what you're worried about." Gaara said, before he trained his glance on Sakura with a smirk. "Or anyone."

The dark haired doctor advanced a few more steps until he was an arms length away from Sakura and only a table away from Gaara. He approached slowly, as if Gaara were volatile and could go off at any time. Taking her cue from the doctor's behavior, a heightened sense of dread made itself known in her body blossoming out from her tight throat and circulating in her blood.

"Just return my coat to me and come back to your room. We'll talk about what this means after lunch."

"Back to jail, I take it." Gaara was deadpan, but she saw him tense so hard he quivered.

The doctor smiled, reminding Sakura of the smile she put one every visit for Sasuke. It was the one that said 'it's not ok, but I'm trying my damndest to make it ok.'

"Your room is not jail, and you knew that by doing this you would create trust issues that we'd have to talk over later." He held out his hand. "Now just hand over the coat and come with me."

Gaara removed the coat with a shrug and tossed it over the table, revealing a nondescript set of black clothes and the bracelet all patient were obliged to wear. He locked eyes with Sakura even as he spoke to the doctor.

"There's your coat, but I'm not moving from here, Iruka." She was the first to look away, but immediately chided herself internally for lacking nerve. To be intimidated by a total stranger! It was a bitter taste.

Burly orderlies appeared and Gaara stayed still as a stone as he was bodily removed to whatever part of the institution he had escaped from. Until the very last moment he never took his eyes off of Sakura.

Once he was gone Iruka tried to talk to her about the incident but she didn't have much to say. Unfamiliar patients had tried to talk to her before in the past and so in theory what had happened was not as unusual as if she were new to this environment, and nothing Gaara had done had made her feel threatened until he had been exposed. But all the same something bothered her about his unwavering interest in her as he had been removed.

"Why me?" she asked the doctor. And Iruka had the grace to look chagrined.

"This is just a guess because I only started working with him a couple days ago, but I think you reminded him of someone. He actually doesn't have a history of speaking to anyone outside of his doctors, so I have to admit I'm curious as well."

"Should I be worried?"

"No, of course not. Not at all." But the way Iruka wouldn't look her in the eye as he said that didn't convince her.


	2. Chapter 2

He said Lee came with him and they played basketball.

She asked how he was doing.

He said a little better than normal. Followed by giving her a thousand watt smile.

She looked relieved and took a long sip of her coffee, which wasn't sweet enough.

He said that he wished he were in school, though he liked his job.

She told him he could always go back…and pass the sugar.

He shook his head.

She thought of something and asked how they played a three person game.

He said there was one more, someone with red hair.

She swore.


	3. Chapter 3

He was ridiculous, no, wait… infuriating! Ridiculously infuriating! She couldn't decide and in her rage she found that the only thing she could think to do was slam both fists down on the steering wheel like twin hammers. This display of temper in the hospital parking lot only resulted in a loud honk and the windshield wipers starting a streaky track across the glass in front of her. She had been tricked and trapped and there was little, if anything, she could do about it.

Sakura would never back down once her word was given. As much as she hated it, this was a matter of personal integrity.

Damn that man.

She would have liked to think this was a day like any other, but really it was stress compounded onto irritation. Sakura wasn't mad at anything she could confront, just the generalized sense of injustice that Sasuke would actually refuse to come out and see her. It was silly, of course, because the reason itself seemed so flimsy and yet plausible at the same time.

Bad haircut indeed.

His vanity had always been remarkable, having been blessed with genetic gifts such as full lips, clear skin, a strong jaw line, and exotic looking eyes. Sasuke's hair had always been a weak spot with him, coarse and prone to jutting into the air unless it was ruthlessly managed on a fairly regular basis. There was little enough for him to do at the hospital other than obsess over things and it seemed like his amazing talent for concentration allowed him to develop some formidable mental and physical skills. His ability to concentrate ran afoul of his vanity at times, and this was one.

The hair thing was unbelievable. Apparently, something had happened to necessitate him getting some sort of buzz cut and he was so mortified he refused to be seen by anyone at the moment.

Sakura waited in the familiar off-white common room for the nurse to once again take Sakura's message to her friend's room. It was senseless to give up easily, and she wondered if she could get permission to go back and tell him he was being a ninny in person. It wouldn't be phrased just like that, naturally, since that would only wound the man's pride further and cause him to turtle up for good.

The day was too hot for this, the humidity in the building remarkable despite air conditioning and fans circulating the air. Her mind felt fuzzy. In a building this large, it wasn't surprising that there would be maintenance issues, but it was more Sakura's oversensitivity to environmental changes. The humidity outside was so oppressive, she couldn't bear to wait anywhere else and she dreaded even the walk to her car. No, she'd rather wait out Sasuke for a bit longer before heading back home.

When an oddly familiar face popped into her view she considered if maybe hellish heat and humidity was preferable. The coppery-red hair was distinctive and the green eyes intense as they locked in on hers, forcing his name back into the forefront of her mind. Anger washed over her, tinged with fear. Maybe she could just ignore him.

"He's a lost cause… today." The long pause before he delivered the final word goaded her into speaking despite her efforts not to even acknowledge his presence.

Without looking at him she replied. "Shouldn't you be somewhere else right now?"

He sat down at the table she was at, directly across from her, forcing Sakura to twist herself awkwardly away. This was childish, but she wasn't thinking straight. Gaara leaned over to try to enter her periphery, and she twisted the other way. He gave a snort, which might have been a laugh, but she tried to carefully school herself in an expression that was utterly uncaring. Where was that nurse with Sasuke's reply?

"Why do you keep coming? All of you."

The question was so sincere, almost wistful, and it actually surprised her into facing him. There was a flash of something vulnerable on his face but it might have been a mirage as she only saw the blank, even stare of the man who had been a splinter in her mind's eye for weeks now.

She was going to say something clever back, but in the end she found her voice more tired than angry. "That's none of your business."

"We started badly."

"Humph."

"I just want to know some things."

Sakura favored him with a grimace. "That's not how this works."

"Then tell me how this works."

"Well," she groped around for terms for a moment. "You can't just force your way into someone's thoughts."

"I disagree." Gaara didn't elaborate and Sakura couldn't help herself, needing to have the last word even with this man she hardly knew.

Sakura made an impatient gesture. "You can't just say you disagree without giving a reason for it."

"_You_ didn't give me a reason."

He was right, damn him. "Humph. Well, fine. The reason you can't force your way into people's thoughts is because everyone has a right to privacy and you should respect me when I don't want to share something personal."

Gaara didn't say anything and for a moment she wondered if he had even heard her talk.

"Do you understand?" She wondered if it sounded as patronizing as she thought it might when the words passed her lips.

He caught her off balance with his next comment. "I'm not allowed private thoughts within these walls, so why would I have any precedent or expectation that others would be treated differently?"

Something sharp hit her then, possibly pity but more likely guilt. Privacy was not a luxury in Sakura's world, it was a given. Sasuke and Gaara lived under the eye of people who, while they were trying to help them, didn't exactly give them free reign. It was out of an honest desire to help them but what he said was true, and so long as he was under this roof he would always be questioned and examined.

"Even so, when someone asks you a question you aren't obliged to answer them." Sakura didn't like this conversation, even if Gaara was being wholly benign otherwise. He had, in a very short time, made her feel like a bad person.

"You don't trust me." He stated it flatly. "You're smarter than your friends."

This was familiar, the anger. She saw what he was doing now, he was trying to get a reaction from her. It was silly to let him do that, so she remained calm when she answered him. "My friends are good people. They trust others to be good people as well."

"Are you implying that I'm not 'good people'?"

"I didn't say that at all. Don't put words into my mouth."

"So what am I then?"

"How should I know?" Sakura was getting flustered. He hadn't blinked this whole time, and it was making her eyes water when she thought about it. Gaara's words were fast, Sakura's mind muzzy with heat and complex emotions.

"Either I'm good and you can trust me or I'm bad and you can't. Which is it?"

"It's not that simple! It takes time to know someone like that."

"Then I guess we'll have to talk more."

"I guess."

"Promise me." The rapid fire progression of their conversation halted with his harsh tone hissing through his teeth.

Sakura leaned back, her mind catching up with her mouth. "What?"

"Promise me we'll talk more next time you visit." If she had been forced to put a name to his expression it would have been greed. Her stomach flopped. The 'no' was riding on the tip of her tongue when another flash crossed over Gaara's face. It reminded her of Sasuke then: sadness, longing, loneliness. It was too potent an emotional connection and before she knew it the yes was out of her mouth and into the air.

Gaara sighed, possibly in relief, and drew a hand through messy bangs to expose the most amazing scar tissue Sakura had ever laid eyes on. A complicated character had been carved into his forehead, and whether it had been by his hand or another she knew it would have had to be slow and deliberate to seem that clean and raised. The pain must have been amazing.

Love…

"Until next time." Gaara removed himself, leaving Sakura flushed and agitated.

The nurse told her Sasuke simply wasn't seeing anyone and tried to convey her embarrassed sympathy for the denied visitation. There was always tomorrow, she helpfully supplied.

Sakura groaned.


	4. Chapter 4

"So?" Sakura watched as Gaara bit into an apple, his jaw working to chew it slowly, a dribble of juice running down his hand seemingly unnoticed.

"So what?" He said it with a full mouth, masticating lazily.

"So now that I'm here what do you want to talk about?"

Her hands were crossed in front of her chest in the age old symbol of someone who wasn't very happy with what they were doing and thought she was pretty sure her mood was not lost on him, Gaara didn't seem to care. Or, if he cared, he was doing a fabulous job of looking like he didn't.

When she had gotten up the nerve to finally come and visit, as she had promised, everything about the day had seemed wrong. The weather was too nice and sunny, clement and with fabulously puffy clouds that dared her to find something wrong with them. Finals week was wrapped up and so the stress of studying had given way to the euphoria of her short break before summer term. It was just some basic math course she had to get out of the way and she didn't think it would prove to be much of a challenge.

Everything about her mood was relaxed, so it was all the more aggravating when she felt that knot in her back acting up as she made the drive out to the institution. She never felt this on edge when she came to see Sasuke.

"You're the one who came to see me." Gaara said. He was impassive, but she felt like she could see a twinkle in his eyes.

"Well," she thought about TV, the weather, books she had read in high school for classes, and half of a joke Naruto had told her a couple days ago and none of them seemed right. Eyes rolling about in her head, she landed on the thing about Gaara that never seemed to leave her mind. "Tell me how you got your tattoo then."

If nothing else, it certainly changed the mood between them. Gaara swallowed his bite of apple and placed the rest of the fruit down. He wouldn't meet her eyes at first and then he did so in such a deliberate manner that Sakura wasn't sure of herself suddenly. He looked confused, pained, angry, suspicious, and then blank again as an entire dialogue played itself out in his head.

"Not today." Was all he ended up saying.

"Then, I don't know, tell me about your family?" Sakura didn't feel as superior having seen something in his face that made her nervous just then. Her words were a little shaky, and she had to find some steel to put behind them again.

"I have a brother and a sister. Tell me about yours."

"That wasn't very descriptive…" Gaara stared at her in that way she was coming to recognize as expectant even if it was just on this side of blank. "Fine fine, I guess I have a weirdly normal family. No brothers and sisters, just me and my mom and my dad. Mom did part time jobs writing for newspapers until the internet took over everything. Dad's an architect."

Gaara was staring at the wall, his half eaten apple, sliding over to the window, and then back at Sakura as if what she was saying was supremely uninteresting.

"Are you going to listen to me or what? I don't have to be here if you're just going to be rude."

"If you're going to talk about stupid things that don't matter then I don't have to listen." His voice was sharp, choking out her scolding words.

She uncrossed her arms and put her palms on the table. "What do you mean stupid things that don't matter? I love my family very much."

"Tell me something real." His eyes were so green, she thought, and she shuddered a bit as he didn't stop looking at her while he brought his tongue across the trail of liquid the apple had left on his wrist.

"I don't know what you mean." She almost growled it back at him in a surly manner.

Gaara slid his hand over his forehead, pushing back his hair and exposing his tattoo for a moment. "This place is all delusions and conjectures. Tell me something real."

There was a long pause while she felt his words sink into her. They invaded, they challenged, and she found herself resenting him for being so damn interesting.

"I hate you." It slipped out in a rare moment when her inner voice became her outer voice. As soon as she said it she knew she didn't really mean it. She didn't even have time to take it back or apologize when Gaara latched onto her words hungrily.

"Shallow. Imprecise. I inconvenience you." He sneered. "You don't know what real hate is."

"And you do?"

Gaara smiled at her, almost lovingly. It gave her a sick feeling in her stomach that made her throat feel constricted as well. "Yes. Oh yes." He caught her eyes now, burned her down with the intensity of his stare. This time when he swept back his hair his hand lingered on the symbol etched on his forehead. She could see it so clearly now. That was no tattoo; it was a carving. "Let me tell you about how I got this…"


	5. Chapter 5

Was it pity?

Making the turn into her usual parking spot, Sakura heard her math book slide off the back seat and fall into the foot rest area. In a crumpled heap, she almost felt too bothered by it to pick it up. She knew it wasn't the fault of the text, which seemed practically remedial, but what seemed like madness for even being here.

She had to admit it to herself, once and for all, that she wasn't here to see Sasuke.

There had been times over the past couple months that she had come to visit and on the way to see Sasuke she had run in to…_him_. Sakura had told herself that it was purely coincidental, that she wasn't beholden to him even though he was demanding towards her and that this was just part of the empathy for patients that she needed to condition herself to for the future.

At a certain point even she could smell the wafts of poo coming off her reasoning.

He bored into her head. He had gotten in there like a disease, making her relive that first conversation weeks ago vividly. Shaking, after hearing his story, she had told herself that it wasn't real. People didn't do things like that to one another, let alone family. The graphic way he had told her about his experiences made her think he had made it up, but the way he would twitch a little or touch old scars made her question herself.

It had to be pity.

Sakura signed in with a nod to the new intern at the desk. Nurses and security people gave her a wave, and she stopped to talk to a nurse that she had spoken with before about drug interactions and they exchanged bad pharmaceutical jokes. Sakura felt like she wore her mood lightly, but inside the darkness festered. It had a name finally.

"Gaara."

"Sakura."

"So where were we?"

"I believe you were trying to convince me that you know how to tell a joke while losing at checkers."

Sakura actually smiled. "I haven't been losing, you keep rearranging the pieces when we leave off." She moved one of her black disks back to where she remembered it had been less than a week ago. At first she had thought she was going nuts, but after diagramming it out on a napkin secretly one visit and then comparing it the next she had realized his trick.

"I play with all my skills." He said simply, smile twitching up at the corner of his mouth.

With something like a pout, Sakura knew she couldn't let that go. "Cheating is not a skill."

"Yes it is. Soon you'll say 'lying is not a skill' like morality determines difficulty."

And they were off. Checkers, Go Fish, and one game of Jenga (that ended rather quickly when Gaara got frustrated with Sakura's surgeon precision with the pieces) later Sakura realized it was time to go. It worried her how easy it was to pass time here, as if this had become recreation instead of obligation. She should be spending time with people from her classes, but she knew a lot of people in her classes didn't want to spend time with the know-it-all that didn't need help from anyone. She had learned long ago that her brand of smart wasn't very approachable.

"You're feeling sorry for yourself." Gaara said simply, knocking her out of reverie.

"Why do you think you know what I'm thinking?" She was defensive, and she knew she had already erred because any time she showed weakness he would dive in on it. "You're not in my head." Trying to keep it light, she forced a laugh.

It had been a mistake to say, it opened her up to talking about her inner workings. After that first visit that had been too close, too personal, she had laid down the law. They could discuss "real" things as he asked but they weren't going to discuss "personal" things. None of his past trauma, none of her future worries. Distance was the key. If she could just create enough distance then they wouldn't be connected. That had been the idea anyway.

"I know more about you then you'd ever suspect. You're too transparent."

He was baiting her, watching her with those pale eyes of his and locking her down in that challenging stare that seemed to be his default expression. Even knowing she shouldn't, even knowing she was just giving him free reign to break all those rules she had carefully laid down, she went for it all the same.

"How am I transparent?" She was feeling the edge of anger in her that made her reckless. "Where the hell do you get off thinking you know me?"

Gaara wasn't exactly a stable person and being belligerent could have caused him to turn on her, but the false security she had gained in his presence made her reckless. He stood up slowly and circled around her as if studying her, firing off as he went:

"You're vain, you pretend not to be but I see you watching yourself in windows sometimes and you're often adjusting your bangs to make sure they look just so. Your compulsive need to have the last word annoys people around you and you know you do it but you can't stop yourself, like how right now you can't stand that I've already moved to another topic but you haven't gotten to respond about being vain."

He was right. Curse him. "That's just conjecture! Checking my hair in a window doesn't define me."

"You think you're smart to know all the rules and you think they'll protect you. Playing by the rules just makes you a target to people who don't." She was sputtering, trying to come up with something when he finished suddenly. "You spend a lot of time thinking about yourself and how noble you are, but you're just burying your bad thoughts in good intentions."

Insensible, already confused, she picked her purse up and slammed it on the table in front of them, making the Jenga tiles jump a little in the process. "I don't need to be here right now." She was packing up, retreating.

"No you don't." He was unperturbed. "So why do you keep coming back?"

"Screw you, Gaara."

"Why do you keep coming back, Sakura?" More insistent, voice low and dangerous he asked her again. As she began to move away his hand shot out, wrapping around her wrist far too tightly. It almost felt like she was being strangled she was so angry, her throat tight with rage.

The small bones in her pale wrist were screaming. "I will call for a nurse, so help me Gaara and they will lock you someplace deep and dark for a long time."

"Nothing I haven't seen before." He tightened his grip and she thought she felt her wrist begin to go numb. "Answer the question."

"Pity." She spat. "I feel bad for you and your sad life in here acting crazy because you had a bad childhood. You're still alive aren't you? Why can't you use some of that strength of will to get better instead of terrorizing people who care for you."

Out of the corner of her eye she saw a large man in white run over and tackle Gaara to the ground. Someone must have spotted their little altercation even without her saying anything, though the purse thing hadn't been exactly subtle either. As they all fell to the floor and Sakura felt her wrist snap to an odd angle she knew before the pain flushed her system of other thoughts that she had lied to him and herself.

It wasn't pity.


	6. Chapter 6

She should have pressed charges, Sakura knew she should have, but when it came right down to it she just didn't want to. There was something hungry about the way the security man had ushered her over to the police officer that had arrived on scene that had put her in a strange mood, and then there were the painkillers that had certainly taken that strange mood and turned it into something more like a bad trip. Yes, they had argued. Yes, he had put his hands on her. No, she didn't think he had broken her wrist on purpose. Yes, she knew he had a record of similar past behavior. No, she didn't think he was a danger to her. On and on until she wanted to pretend to pass out… oh wait she had actually passed out.

After that? Radio silence.

It took six weeks before her cast was off, luckily it was not her right hand or it would have been much more complicated to eat and get dressed but typing suddenly became laborious. Coming back to school was even more of a chore, not because she hadn't adjusted to the work load but because every person that asked her how it happened she couldn't give a straight answer.

She didn't know if she was protecting Gaara or herself. What she did know was that something had altered in her. She felt locked up inside of herself in a way she couldn't explain to anyone, even Naruto, who buzzed around her with concern at first and then ushered in all their friends to buzz around her periodically after she swatted him firmly. The things Gaara had said hadn't been a revelation or anything, but there was a profound question she had to ask herself when her closest human connection was a deranged person she hardly knew.

That was a bitter pill. When had she let everyone float away from her? Was it partially due to her fixation on Sasuke all those years ago? It still lived on a bit, but not in the same way. Was Gaara her way of replacing one broken connection with another?

She didn't want to see him, and so she didn't. The visits she had with Sasuke were short and with large groups of people around her so the staff didn't need to monitor her so closely and she could feel safe once more in that space. Sasuke would grump at them all but secretly be pleased and everyone would leave happy.

The first letter that she got was almost by accident. A young nurse ran up to her as she was leaving with Naruto, Lee, and Hinata on a day in late October.

"Wait!"

It never occurred to her that someone would want to talk to her at the hospital. They were mostly just grateful that she hadn't sued them over her injuries, despite all their legal precautions.

"You! With the pink hair! Wait!" That was a little more specific. Hinata nudged her and Sakura turned around to encounter a student nurse with a puffy red face from running down the long hallways.

"Dr. Iruka said to give you this," she gasped and stuffed an envelope in her hands.

Despite curious friends and a burning desire to know what this was about somehow Sakura held herself back until she got home. She had explain it away to her friends as more legal paperwork she needed for her records and they dropped the subject, turning their attention to talk of Halloween and what order their pub crawl should be in this year now that parties were less about costumes and more about how insensible they could get (with Lee advocating a dry night but losing.)

_Dear Ms. Haruno,_

_My patient and your friend Gaara Sabaku has been at our facility for some time but without much progress beyond the behaviors he has displayed since the time he entered treatment facilities at the end of high school (he has given me permission to divulge these details and has more to say in the enclosed letter which I have read and approved to be given to you.) Please read this, though do not feel obliged to answer, as we have determined this to be a healthy part of his ongoing therapy._

_Iruka_

Her "friend?" This was certainly an odd twist on things. The enclosed letter made her curious about what was up with this therapy.

It wasn't my intention.

That was it. Four words in tight cursive. Was that an apology? If it was, it sucked to say the least. Life was too busy for Gaara, and as she thought of him she flexed her hand and felt a deep ache where she hadn't healed fully yet. The more she thought about it, though, the more heated she felt. Sometime during her drunken post-Halloween ramblings she wandered over to her computer, typed up a response, printed it, and mailed it out. When it was returned for insufficient postage mid-November she almost cried with relief.

It had been over three months since she had seen Gaara, and winter break was fast approaching. In the whirlwind of parties and studying and travel arranging for family time he almost got lost in the shuffle. Almost.

All she intended to do was drop off a present for Sasuke from all of them, somehow having been the one conned into wrapping it as well, when the facility receptionist asked her to hold on a moment.

Dr. Iruka, looking worn down a bit and slightly rumpled but otherwise just as he always did, came out to greet her with his hand outstretched after a short wait.

"Ms. Haruno, so good to see you here."

"I don't have a lot of time, Doctor, I really need to get going." She tried to pull back a bit out of the handshake, nervous suddenly.

"Understandable, it's that time of year after all," He reached into a deep pocket in his jacket. "All I need to do is give you these. Do what you will with them, but I promised to deliver them. I've read them all and approved them except for this one that's sealed. If you'd prefer not to take them I totally understand but I promised Gaara I would at least offer them to you."

_Take them and throw them in the trash on your way out._ That was the first voice.

_He worked so hard on them, just toss them in a box when you get home and get back to studying._ Second voice was more compelling.

_Two words: incin-erator._ Silliness. Stupid mind.

_Just read them and damn the consequences._ That certainly was the worst voice yet.

"Why thank you, Doctor." She didn't sound happy or grateful even to her own ears but somehow her hands were clutching the letters as if they were something infinitely precious. "It's just some words on a paper. I guess I owe him that much?"

With a gentle smile he simply shook his head with a sigh. "No, Ms. Haruno, I think you'll find you don't owe him anything. But if you'll do him the courtesy it would be kind of you. Good evening and Happy Holidays."

As she drove home she kept looking over at them as if they would spring to life, and in the end she did in fact stuff them at the bottom of her closet as soon as she got home with the exception of the one in the sealed envelope. She placed it on her kitchen counter, and made herself a cup of tea. As the water boiled she stared at it, willing it to do something independently. When she poured her tea it was still just a letter. When she made herself a piece of toast it still managed to be just a letter. As her phone rang and rang, letting her know that Ino was in a panic about some party detail, and she ignored it entirely that envelope taunted her with the unknown.

Somehow the moment came while she was brushing her teeth, and with a loud and rather dirty oath that she swore loudly with a mouth full of suds, she launched herself into the kitchen and tore into the letter which was in that strangely perfect cursive.

_Where are you?_

Damn it! A drop of toothpaste hit the paper with a dull thud. Sakura spat the sweet mass into the kitchen sink and folded down into one of her cheap vinyl chairs. The peeling linoleum of her apartment's kitchen floor held no answers to what she should do next.


	7. Chapter 7

How do you explain yourself to another person? Gaara hadn't faced the idea of explaining his actions in roughly half a decade. Being mentally ill had been so convenient, being dangerous had been so satisfying, being ignored had been exactly all he had wanted it to be… and then her pretty face had walked through the door and just her being there had posed a question.

What if he could have more?

He wanted something he couldn't have, and it burned him inside out. The dangerous voice, the one that drove his dark moods and created chaos in his life, didn't have anything to say about this one. Gaara had been used to silence outside of himself, wandering hallways with nothing but bad radio stations or the faint sounds of television in the background, but the inner silence was so hungry. There was no way to fill the maw except when she was there and somehow he looped those memories like bad syndication until he knew all the lines.

This kind of thinking was pitiful; it was weak. When people relied on one another then terrible things happened. His mother and his siblings had relied on his father, and a bottle of pills later he and his siblings had relied on his father. Weak bitch, he had liked to say, taking the coward's way out instead of divorce. He hated her for leaving him alone, vulnerable.

Then Yashamaru…

He could forgive his mother but some things were too despicable even for him to revisit. His childhood had been no childhood at all, and the damage had left him ready to take his rage out on the world in every way imaginable. The best defense was a good offense, or so their father had said. His favorite offense was the buckle side of the belt when Gaara had been suspended for fighting yet again. It hadn't fazed him, he had a body like weathered stone by the time he was fourteen.

By sixteen he had gotten his GED and was quietly slipping in and out of college lectures illicitly during the day and sleeping on the streets at night. He'd dream of the desert, of a spirit quest, of some kind of mission to exorcise the inner demon that drove him to fight. He was picked up by the cops not too much later, and with a bit of playacting he had found himself in good 'ol happy acres or whatever they insisted this place was called.

He wasn't crazy, it was the world that was. Only a crazy world would be full of the kind of cruelty he had endured at the hands of his father once Kankuro and Tamari had left. They were a family only in the sense that they shared a blood type, because he didn't need their sideways glances and hushed suspicion.

Gaara the psycho. Gaara their twisted little brother. Gaara the genius. Gaara the murderer.

Yashamaru had deserved what he got, calling what he did love. Even young Gaara knew it was twisted and depraved, and that night when his uncle had gotten a little too near the window it had only taken a push to end the suffering that love had caused. No one would ever touch him again without his consent, he swore, and a decade and a half later he was starting to wonder if maybe he wouldn't despise the touch of one person in specific.

He had been dreaming of the desert again, but instead of being gloriously alone she had been there holding his hand. It was sappy.

It scared him shitless.


	8. Chapter 8

"Did you brush your hair?" It was a stupid question. What does one say to someone you haven't seen in nearly six months?

The look in Gaara's eyes, the sudden narrowing as if she had lobotomized herself before stepping foot near him, just made her feel clumsier about this whole misadventure.

"Because it looks like you brushed it down and it doesn't look right somehow." Sakura finished lamely. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

The other eyebrow arched up to join the first on Gaara's face.

"Do you even celebrate Christmas? I dunno, did you have a good Hanukkah?" She huffed a little sigh. "C'mon help me out a little bit. I feel like an idiot here."

He looked deceptively normal, in a charcoal sweater and baggy beige pants that most definitely didn't look like the standard clothes issued to the patients. Nothing about this felt like it was normal or familiar, he didn't radiate that tension she had become used to and she felt herself filling it in in its absence. Her fingers tapped and jerked on the table between them, she couldn't meet his level stare.

"Took you long enough." He finally relented, sitting back into the narrow chair. The relaxed pose looked rehearsed, as if he had had to practice slouching.

Sakura's eyes darted to the side where orderlies were watching them like hawks. They were six feet apart and she felt no safer for the precautions. "So I hear you might even get out of here soon?" She wouldn't probably have come to visit, but Dr. Iruka had given her a courtesy message on her voicemail that Gaara had started evaluation process with the stated goal being reintegration with the outside world. "What brought all that on?"

His mouth quirked to the side more like a spasm than a smile. "Subtlety isn't your strong suit. If you want to be a doctor you might want to work on that bedside manner."

"I'm not here to talk about me." She tried to shut down that line of questioning before it got her in trouble.

"Then you're here to talk about me?"

"I'm not here to talk about anything."

It was just the end of winter break, mid-January, and she was feeling like she needed to get back on track for this semester. She had gotten B's last term. Her. That was not the Sakura she wanted to be, or the kind of results she wanted to show people she could achieve. Gaara was a thorn in her side, a lingering thought through Christmas with the family, a steady pressure during the New Year's party at Ino's, and now she was going to cauterize this and move on. His uncompromising, unblinking stare made her wonder: what would happen if he got out, or rather… when.

"Finally get bored watching TV in here?"

"Did you think that's all I did?" Gaara didn't give away a hint of emotion. "Board games and bad television?"

Sakura felt like he was baiting her, somehow. "I don't know what you like to do."

"You should have some idea at this point." He said it in such a matter of fact way, looking her in the eyes, and she felt a chill run up then down her spine. It should have been revulsion, but she couldn't say for sure what it was. Gaara moved on quickly. "College seems to be where people our age are, especially when they have little to no work experience. It seemed logical. My enrollment and my release will probably be well timed together."

School was safe, she liked school and she could discuss that all day long without losing interest so she went for the opening. "What major are you thinking of? If you're thinking pre-med I can definitely tell you which professors you want to avoid."

Gaara pulled something tan out of his pocket and began to squeeze it slowly. It looked like a stress ball, but it had an irregular shape. Maybe this conversation was just as hard on him as it was on her. That thought actually relaxed her a bit as she took some pleasure in this crack in his solid exterior.

"I don't think anything that involves a cadaver is… recommended." She realized she had said something needlessly insensitive in her zeal and blushed from her neck to the roots of her hair. "I was thinking more along the lines of pre-law, perhaps business."

"It's hard to imagine you in a suit."

"How do you imagine me then?" It took her a moment as she sputtered angrily to realize he was teasing her. She took a deep breath and counted to ten. This was not how this was supposed to go today. Today was a day for burning bridges and walking away. This was companionable, even flirtatious, and she didn't want it for what it was, which was more complications in her already busy life.

She tried to put up a defense as total as his, to reveal nothing as she finally said what she had come here to say.

"I can't come see you anymore. This is unhealthy, for both of us, and I can't have you in my life right now."

She was ready for the rage, she had steeled herself for it. Saying the words had felt liberating but right after she finished and she saw that flash of hurt before he locked everything back down on his side, there was an ache. Sakura had meant what she said. There was no room for the regret that was boring into a tiny corner of her mind, the part that told her this was the only person who she never compared to Sasuke in some form.

"…" He opened his mouth and closed it again, squeezing that little tan object so hard she wondered if there was any stuffing that could possibly pop out of it.

All she ever had to deal with awkward situations were words, and then began to fall out on their own. "I read all your letters, all of them, a couple times over and I thought about ripping them all up but I just couldn't. And the more I thought about it the more I realized this was stopping me from moving on to something else, and then I realized that it was actually because I had moved on and you had inspired me to move past something and now I had to move past the thing that helped me move past the other thing."

"You're babbling."

"Yes I'm babbling because even though I can be bitchy I'm also regrettably responsible and I actually care if I just hurt your feelings dammit, so say something!" She wanted him to cuss her out, get up and leave, do something that made her feel like her decision was justified and correct.

His silence and calm acceptance was ruining everything somehow. What had she expected? Crying wouldn't have been his style. Violence, although anticipated, didn't seem to be imminent (although it was still possible). Yelling was a little atypical, maybe low threats or some kind of threat to her person that she could have spun into a restraining order if needed would have been more his style.

"Hm." He stood up slowly, and she did the same.

He extended a hand to her. It was pale, just like the rest of him, and deceptively strong so she was wary as she extended her own. When he pulled her into an embrace it was slow enough that she could have reacted to avoid it. Her brain screamed at her to run but instead she folded into his arms as if it were an inevitability.

"For now," his voice was a whisper against her ear, blowing back her hair gently. "you get your wish and you won't see or hear from me. I'll acknowledge that you're busy and you have a life to live, but once I'm out I guarantee I will contact you. I think you'll find my attention once gained is persistent. You would probably prefer the word loyal, but then you always like to emotionally spin things you can't handle."

It was that same chill but it ran down the length of her body this time, and he must have felt it because he tightened his grip just a little before releasing her. Cold air and the feeling of absence engulfed her and her mind for once had no snippy side commentary.

"Sakura." Her name was a dismissal, but he said it like a caress. And with one more searching look into her eyes, like he was memorizing her face, he stood up and left her there. It was stupid but she felt like she had just been dumped instead of the other way around.

She sat there so long in the chair after he had left that before she knew it the kind face of Dr. Iruka was peering at her out the corner of her vision. She dropped the hand that had been propping up her face as she had been staring into nothing and thinking, and gave him a little wave so he would come over.

"So a little birdy told me you might be rather busy in the coming months."

Sakura laughed shortly, sardonically. "A little birdy huh?"

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about, any issue you think I should be aware of? Remember, I want you to feel safe. If Gaara said anything that makes you feel unsafe you should report it."

_He basically said he was going to stalk you._ Said one voice in her mind. _You did the same thing to Sasuke._ Said another. _He looked pretty tasty in that sweater._ The third was always the least helpful.

"He didn't do or say anything that upset me."

The most surprising part for her, was it was only after she said it that she realized it was a true statement.


	9. Epilogue

Summer had passed like a dream, if in your dreams you worked as an unpaid intern in a large hospital. It had been heavenly for Sakura, coming home tired every night and feeling like she was one step closer to her goal. Her conviction was what drove her. It had just been a little internship, and she hadn't really been doing anything super meaningful, but it had been good to be on a team and to be recognized as good at something. Validation from her mentor Tsunade this summer had meant the world to her. If she had had any doubts, getting out there in the field was erasing them one by one and building in her new confidence.

She was bouncing around in her kitchen, making blueberry pancakes and celebrating a job well done before the fall term began, while making a mess of everything. Cooking had been a luxury she hadn't had any real time for and she was happy to really take some time for herself now that she had a couple days of break before school but after her internship. Life was good. Naruto had surprised Hinata with a proposal a couple weeks ago and she was going to be a bridesmaid in their wedding next summer. Ino was dating some guy she was so happy with she didn't have a critical thing to say to anyone about anything. Sasuke had apparently become a lot more responsive, but she had only heard it second hand from Lee since she hadn't been to see him since late winter.

Everything was coming up Sakura.

Singing loudly to one of her favorite songs on the radio, she plopped a wad of batter in the pan and heard it sizzle. Flour coated her in various noticeable places, and she curled and uncurled her painted toes on the cool floor. It was going to be another hot day, but this early in the morning on a Saturday you wouldn't have known it.

The hot buttery smell was wafting up and her mouth was beginning to water as she picked up her ringing cell phone. At once her body stiffened and the buttery smell took on a burnt edge as she registered the person at the other end. She had one word answers for everything, before she hung up, swore and sprang into action to dump the burnt pancake into the garbage. Sakura had lost her appetite.

Dinner with Gaara. Today.

Everything about the day proceeded to be a blur until she found herself sitting in some hole in the wall Chinese restaurant a few miles away. She actually wasn't that far from campus, and the implication wasn't lost on her. Gaara was going to her university. She had gone through half a pot of tea in those tiny ceramic cups before she even had a glimpse of him, having gotten there an hour earlier than planned. Sakura had built in the time to relax but instead had simply slowly wound herself into a ball of nerves. The caffeine in the tea might have exacerbated her unease; she wouldn't have been able to tell. One hand played with her phone, spinning it around on the table as if half expecting him to text that it was all a joke, or to simply fade away into the night again.

He saw her and made a beeline past the waiter who began to ask him a question, only to be completely ignored. His legs weren't particularly long yet someone he crossed the distance between them fast enough to make her hold her breath a bit. White shirt, black jeans, brown work boots, you'd never pick him out of a crowd except for the red hair, the prominent scar, and the aura of menace.

"You're early." He said flatly, and she couldn't tell if he was displeased or not.

"So are you."

"Ten minutes hardly counts as early."

Sakura picked up her menu but he continued to stare, not bothering to look at his own. This was so awkward.

"Good evening tonight's special is—" The waiter barely started when Gaara cut him off.

"General Tso's chicken. Hot." The waiter was sputtering a bit so Gaara gave him something between a condescending sigh and a growl. "Take her order, get us a new pot of tea, and get out of our hair."

"I'll have the sweet and sour pork." Sakura tried to smile extra bright, as if her cheerfulness would make up for Gaara's rudeness.

The waiter wandered away with a scowl.

"If he spat in our food I wouldn't be surprised. What the heck are you up to?"

"For one thing I know what I want. For another they have the same things at every Chinese place so I don't need to know they have it. And lastly I didn't come here to talk with him." He took what she could only assume was a steadying breath because he closed his eyes as he let it out and she saw the circles around his eyes were as bad as ever.

The doctor in her had to say something. "Are you getting any sleep at all?"

"It isn't as quiet in the city. Some things take more acclimation than others." He sounded snappish, defensive.

He hadn't lived in the world in a long time, she tried to remind herself, so maybe this was him just doing the best he could. "You still apartment hunting?"

"No."

"So you found something already? That's lucky, this close to the start of school."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I got out two months ago."

"Well, do you like your place?"

"It'll do for now."

"You know, this is the part of the conversation where you supply some kind of information I can comment on like, oh, 'my bedroom has their weird stain in the corner and the landlord won't do a thing about the hot water pipes that keep banging around in the walls.' And then I say something about how terrible that must be," the waiter plopped their tea down unceremoniously and scurried away as she continued. "But if you don't provide at least a few more details then this conversation might as well be texted to me and I can go home and watch an episode of House again."

She poured tea for him and for herself again before sipping it and burning her lip immediately. Damn it what a crappy date this was, if it was a date.

"I bought a house."

Sakura almost spat out the tea she was drinking, as it was she began to choke a bit.

"Everything is more expensive than I remembered it."

"You bought a house?"

"I just said that." He looked wary. "Did you hit your head recently?"

"But who does that?!" She hadn't thought he had that kind of money. I guess there's no guarantee of a good childhood or a happy family just because money was involved.

Gaara took a sip of his tea and grimaced. "I didn't want to live with anyone else around me. It's easier this way."

"Not everyone can do that, you know." She knew some envy was creeping into her voice as she thought about how closely she watched her own budget. Even helped out by her parents she was just scraping along.

"Money is a funny thing. It's not much use for anything other than stuff. Once people know you have it they treat you differently. You're already treating me differently. Look how angry you got when I said I had bought a house."

"I can envy that a little bit. That's a normal reaction, and I refuse to let you shame me for dreaming of a better life." She picked up napkin and meticulously placed it in her lap while she seethed a little.

There was silence, filled with nothing but sounds from the kitchen and two loud old men discussing their fishing trip that morning two tables away. A couple of teenage girls were behind them giggling and showing each other videos on their phones while they picked at a plate of chow mien.

"Why'd you invite me here Gaara, other than that you said you would?" She said it gently, honestly.

He ran his fingertips over his scar briefly, and then stared intently at her. "You know why. You just want to hear me say it out loud? Fine. I like you. I'm attracted to you. I want to spend time with you. I never hid any of this from you and I have everything to gain from what this is. I think the better question is why did you agree to meet me here?"

Sakura squirmed, put on the spot. "I don't know."

"I guess I only have one option then." Gaara said gravely. She felt briefly alarmed. "We'll keep doing this until you do figure it out."

The food came, steaming plates that smelled wonderful but tasted like cardboard as she woodenly thought about her future. They ate without speaking, and Gaara got up to pay the bill without saying a word to her. She tried to put down a tip but he just growled and stuffed the money back in her purse while she protested weakly.

"I'm doing this right tonight." Was his way of explaining. And she wondered if he had ever been on a date in his life because he looked at a total loss when they exited the restaurant.

"Let's just take a walk." Sakura suggested and Gaara looked relieved. "Did you take any pictures of your house? I'd like to see it."

He shrugged. "It isn't far."

"You bought a house near campus?" Nothing here was cheap. This wasn't some trashy neighborhood full of fixer uppers.

He obviously didn't want to talk about it. "It's just an empty house. It isn't anything special. I don't want a car."

"Well you can at least show me the outside of it I guess."

Eight blocks later she was in front of a rather smart modern looking thing that was all glass and steel. It looked unfriendly and the realtor's sign was still in the lawn with the sold sticker on it.

"It's very nice."

"You hate it. You're a terrible liar. That's fine, I hate it too." Gaara produced the stress ball, looking a little worse for wear, but still serving its function.

"You're right, it's about as friendly as a knife's edge. Let's go walk around campus. I'll show you my favorite place." She slipped the last bit in like an enticement, and it appeared to work.

Her excitement was enough to draw him along, and she wondered why she had offered in the first place. She pointed out things on campus as if she were a tour guide and Gaara said nothing, just listening while Sakura rambled. In between random facts about the campus and various professors she talked about her friends and things they had done together the past few years. About the band Naruto had been in with Chouji and Kiba, where all their songs had been about food. The time Lee had gotten drunk and gotten hauled away by the cops for fighting. When she had gotten her acceptance to her pre-med program that would fast track her to acceptance in med school proper.

"You have a good life." Gaara finally said.

"I guess I do," Sakura beamed. "And here we are."

Gaara looked around and she pointed excitedly. She had to take his hand and lead him over to it in the end, and she felt all his muscles tense when she touched his skin.

"It's a tree."

"It's a _climbing_ tree." She corrected him. "This divot right here is perfect to sit in when you want to read. And this flat part is like a natural desk to take notes on. On a warm day it's the best. Oh come on, we all need somewhere we can relax."

Gaara shook his head and started to walk away.

"Hey. Hey! Where are you going?" Sakura felt a little peeved that she had showed him something that meant a lot to her and he couldn't at least be civil. It wasn't surprising, but it was still upsetting. "Fine then. GOODNIGHT."

But she couldn't leave it alone and she chased after him once he started to fade into the distance, having to trot a bit to keep up with his unnaturally fast gait.

"What is this about?" She huffed a little, realizing it had been a while since she had gone jogging. "Gaara, stop. Talk to me."

He halted suddenly and she ran into him with a grunt. Gaara turned on his heel, his face so close to hers their noses were nearly touching. "You drag me across campus to show me a tree. I don't want to be your gay best friend or your guy pal, I want more. Is this what you do with the other guys you've been on dates with?"

"I don't date." That halted him mid-tantrum. "So stop acting like you know me so damn well and give me some _time_. You can't have the world from me yet. Tonight you get a damn tree." The voice inside of her cheered, for once aligned with her outer self.

She held out her hand and he looked at it as if it were a serpent poised to strike. Eventually she sighed and grabbed his hand herself, finding it surprisingly warm, and interlaced her fingers with his. He gripped her almost painfully and she tapped him on the back of his hand, trying to remind him to relax which he eventually did just the barest amount.

He was sweating bullets by the time they got back to the tree so she let him go again.

"Come up here and sit with me."

"No."

"It's a nice night." Some drunk kids were screaming and laughing coming down the nearby path. "See, everyone else is having fun. You can allow yourself a little fun too."

Gaara leaned against the trunk, and somehow she found herself running fingers through his hair as they both watched a cloud obscure the moon and then pass making her blink at how bright it seemed again.

"I could get used to this." She whispered as she watched Gaara close his eyes and let her run her fingers over his scalp. The expression on his face was almost sinfully happy. Her own lips curled up to mirror him.


End file.
